18 YEARS AGO TODAY

Goodness... where has the time gone? Well let me rewind to 19 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant and started having some sharp pains in my abdomen. With already having two kids I knew something wasn't quite right. I waited until Jess got home and he rushed me to the hospital, because I could no longer bare the pain Yup I know, I have no tolerance for pain at all, but this was excruciating. They did an ultra sound and sent me home and said to go see my OBGYN first thing in the morning. All night with cold sweats, little did I know I was hemorrhaging internally. As soon as we walked into the Drs office the nurse told Jesse to take me straight to the hospital for an emergency surgery. When I woke I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured my fallopian tubes. The damage was so bad they had to remove an ovary and fallopian tube. Only being 22 years old and not really understanding any of this, the only thing that stood out as the doctor was speaking was it was going to be hard if even possible to have any more children. I was devastated. If any of you know me, I'm not a kid person, but I love my children and I know Jesse wanted a big family.

Being the lucky woman I am and having a loving husband he encouraged me and told me everything would be okay (like he always does, no matter how big or small the situation).

Three months later I was surprised by a missed menstrual cycle. At this time in our life we were out of control with partying (yup I know too honest) But after I had the surgery I was hopeless and hurting. I blamed myself for what happened, still do sometimes. When I found out I was pregnant for sure, I quit everything. I was going to make this the best pregnancy experience I would ever have.

4 months into the pregnancy, Jess still didn't want to stop everything he was involved in, so in the middle of the night I packed my bags, two kids (4 and 2 years old) in tow, and had my sister come big me up. With no car, no place to go, and a phone call in the morning that Jess had gotten into  a car accident and had been arrested with a DUI, I had to grow up and seriously start thinking about what I wanted for my kids.

With the help of my mom and sister, I was able to get a cute little dupelx (Jess had no idea where I was living), started college and got a job at the DA's office as a Victims Advocate. Things started to really fall into place, but something was missing. My family.. my husband.

3 months later one day the kids I were walking down the street and happened to run into a family that 2 years prior had invited us to church. But at the time they did, we just were not into that, we were so into ourselves. I asked them if they still went and they did, I then asked them if  I could go with them. They were just as excited as I was. That same day, Jess some how found out where the kids and I were staying. He said he wanted to see the kids, but still had no intentions of changing his lifestyle. I told him if he wanted to see the kids he needed to go to church the next day with me. And guess what he did. That morning God spoke to him, and changed him, I'm not saying he became the perfect husband or dad, or is now. But he was touched and I thank God everyday for that. I know had I not gotten pregnant with my miracle baby girl, we never would of given our lives to Christ nor be together and that's for sure.

See Annabel was my baby girl that was born 18 years ago today. I knew from conception she was special. See remember earlier when I said I had no tolerance for pain, when I went into labor I was uncomfortable but there was no pain. Jesus Lover of my Soul was sung by Jesse to me during every contraction. She came out to be my happiest baby. Everyone loved her. And today she has grown up to be a beautiful, responsible, young woman. If it wasn't for her I don't know where any of us would be honestly.

I just want to wish her a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

& THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU

3 A's

So last month I started seeing a Dr for some things that have been boggling me.... Its not an easy subject to talk about without tears coming to my eyes... but I'm dealing with some crazy anxiety..... That's the first "A" Its like a crazy fear that overcomes me, I cant sleep.. my mind wanders, am I going crazy, I just want to run away...... then the 2nd "A" comes along with that ... Anger..... I get mad at the littlest things, start the blame game with my other half.. while all the while he is waiting for me to get better, but I feel like I'm in this ditch that I cant climb out of, like the mud slide comes pouring down as I begin to ascend up. The Dr. gave me a prescription and that was the first thing I said to myself before I went to see her was I wasn't going to do anything they prescribed (I still have the prescription on my dresser mirror) Yup, I know stubborn... She's a licensed Dr, she wouldn't give me anything that would be bad for me.. but do I want to become addicted to another crazy thing in my life, I am prone to my addictive personality.. its either Go all the Way ... or Don't Go at All.... or at least that's what my hubby says i'm like.. there is no Gray area with me.. and that can be awfully scary. Well during this whole ordeal... I started my silent prayer to God... (he was like "hey its been awhile") I need to find a better Dr... and I know that God can bring me through this... and that's where the 3rd and final "A" comes.. ACCEPTANCE.... I have to accept HIM... and know he is going to get me through this.. no Dr. in the world can cure the pain in my heart (self inflicted at times... yup i know a heavy reavy....) but its time I come back to writing and come back to where HE wants me. 

1 Timothy 1:15

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

Scales taken off my eyes.. whats it going to take???

Well a half a year has almost passed since my last entry. I use my writing as an outlet, and as you can see by the time.. things have seriously boiled up inside. July was my last entry... August, the hubby and I went to Las Vegas to go eat at his favorite resturant The Oyster Bar, he loves that place so much we even went there for breakfast before we left. Yup, I know... who eats Oysters for breakfast?? Well we sure did.

After the weekend  we went to our favorite camping spot and got to take Jesse's  new toy (and the generator actually worked). My mom actually went with us, this was her first time ever going camping. The kids as usual had a blast. It was our last get together with everyone before my baby boy was going to deploy.  I'm telling you this summer was a non stop vacation for us. I loved every minute of it.

The week after school started, Jesse and I went to Hawaii "SAY WHAT" Yup, I know..... 20 years in the making and we finally did it. We got to spend time with my cousin and her fun husband. We got to try a Diner that was on our favorite show Diners Drive Ins and Dives. We loved it!!! It rained a few of the days, but that didn't stop up from enjoying the warm blue waters. I actually cried on the taxi ride
back to the airport. Having to come home to some unfinished business and reality.

You see as of late, my integrity has been next to nothing.... I talk a good talk, give great advice, but fail to take my own advice, which in the end was putting a wedge in my marriage, family, ME. I spoke to several people, hoping secretly to hear what I wanted to hear, you know justify ME. But it all came back to ME. I am the problem, can't blame God, my Husband, my upbringing, the Past.. Its ME... I am on a journey of becoming a better ME.. a person my husband will be proud to call his wife.. Letting go of the crazy thoughts and just finding JOY in what I have. Yup, I know as usual to much honesty and information, but if this blog helps one (psycho lady like myself) Its worth it.

Okay.. back from Hawaii... Athena Raelynn was about to turn 2.. I know where did the time go. Cinda and Steven held the party at their house and the turn out was fantastic. My hubby was the taco man. Everything turned out so cute, funny I had no clue what a bubble guppie was till that party.

A month after Nini's party, Jess, Belly and I went with his family to Lake Arrowhead to stay at a cabin for Thanksgiving. The kids had a blast, we got the most beautiful fall of snow. The food and crafts were fun, and just the company.

Well now... its December, we got our tree and I won with being able to decorate it, but as usual Jesse has sabotaged it. But that's where I am finding JOY again. Enjoying the simple things.. not forgetting.

December is always a crazy busy month not only because of all the holiday parties, but its wrestling season, and this year Channel Islands held its first girl Invitational and Yup, you know it Bell took 1st.

Ohhhh before I forget, one of the proudest moments just happened this month. Cinda graduated from Charter College. She has turned into a hard working woman, wife and mother. I am soo proud of the woman she has become. Of course I take no credit.

Last but not least, like our life isn't crazy busy already, Bell had to have an emergency surgery procedure. Three days in the hospital felt like an eternity. I guess that is where some of my serious scales have been removed. You can loose so much in an instant. Someone you have today, may not be there tomorrow. Never forget to say I love, never stay mad, life is too short and we don't know whats ahead. I guess this negative turned me into a positive. But I think God knows exactly what he's orchestrating, because other things are happening behind closed doors, more on that to come!!

Have a fantastic holiday season.

Sooo Much to Remember

WHOA!!!!! I havent posted since I cant even remember!! I will do my best to try to catch you up on our crazy adventures so far this summer... It began in early June, one of my baby brothers got married. It was such a cute wedding and reception is was SOOO HIM.. it also opened up a door for me to talk to my brothers. We had not spoken since last year and even though I had tried calling them to let it go, it didn't help. I'm just glad this joyous day opened the door for the reconciliation. It was nice to see all my kids there, family from out of state, even the kid's wrestling coach. They had a photo booth to take silly pictures, which we all enjoyed. 

Right after the wedding it feels like every weekend we have been out and about!!!And we actually have!! The weekend after the wedding, we celebrated Fathers Day. I was able to bless my husband with an electric smoker (he just doesn't know we are the ones that get the blessing with the smoked goodies he has been preparing, hee hee hee). We then went down to L.A. to his brothers house and we had oysters, more bbq and the kids got to play games. It was a good day to relax. 

Right after fathers day we celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary. I KNOW 20 CRAZY YEARS OF BEING MARRIED!!!!! There have been so many ups and downs, but at the end of the day we love each other and are fighting to make this work. We celebrated the beginning of the weekend with a camping trip with just the two of us, a jet ski and a tent. In 110 degree weather (what were we thinking) But in all honesty, it was a good time to let everything off our shoulders. See I haven't been the best wife the last couple of years (YUP, I KNOW... TOO HONEST) I know i'm selfish and I didn't care who I was hurting. But I came to an epiphany (yeah the light bulb went off) in two years from now, my youngest will be on her way to college (she is looking out of state) and it will just be me and the big guy home alone... what do I want with the rest of my life.. not to be alone that's for sure, why start over? I need to become a best friend to the man that loves me like no other man (besides God) will love me!!! Started counting the days of not fighting (yup, i like to pick fights) after day 35 i quit counting.. its easier everyday. Don't get me wrong.. I get upset, but I'm watching the fierce tongue of mine. I think I found my best friend again (just like in high school)  After getting back, burned and worn out from our solo camping trip. Jesse had reservations made at Cafe Firenze (yeah just as fancy as it sounds). It was the most delicious Italian food ever. This by far was the best Anniversary ever. But we are continuing our anniversary throughout the year.. or should I say our honeymoon  (yup, I know .. to much information)

Soon after our Anniversary,  we celebrated 4th of July. The day before I was my usual crazy self doing a big party for work, then preparing all the goodies for our families get together. Jesse took me, David & Bell away for a little break to get oysters topped with ceviche and agua chiles, at our favorite restaurant in Fillmore. Since we were in the only town in the 805 that sells fireworks on the street, we stopped to get some for Annabel (I've never been fond of fireworks). We once again headed south for the festivities. It was an all american BBQ with burgers, hot dogs/links, salads, ice cream sundays. I set up a mini background with props for everyone to take silly pictures in front of. The kids had a blast, they even did a dance for us in the middle of the street. Crazy Kids.. it looked like they practiced a long time (little did I know it was a new dance out today, shows how much I keep up on things.) 

 The weekend after the 4th we decided to finally make that step and check out a church we had been talking and praying about in Pacoima. We were so surprised how close it was to home, it saved us 10 minutes from the church we were previously going to. It was a baby church of baby church's, they don't even have a building, but you could totally feel the presence of God come in during the song service. Jesse was a little disappointed (he wanted an established church, but God knows what he's doing) but I thought it was great. The pastor was on point with his word, (it had been a while since I actually listened to a whole sermon & not let my mind wander off...yup, i know too honest) After service his pregnant wife came running out to say goodbye to us, that really blew me away. He just contacted jesse to see if we would like to do lunch after the next service we go to. I'm excited about that, the pastor comes from the head church of the fellowship we belong to. But the next two weeks after that service have been crazy busy with two more camping trips pushed in. But we will be back this coming weekend, Jesse let him know.

We were invited to go on a camping trip with 3 other families. It ended up being such an awesome experience, there was not lake just a river. The Sequoia National Forest was soo amazing, we went hiking up a trail called Trail of 100 Giants. I have never experienced anything like this. The weather was perfect and after the hike we stopped at a bridge and had lunch and everyone jumped from the rocks. I even did.. no questions asked (yup, i told you i'm trying to change) after our lunch we headed back to camp and it started to get cloudy, but the teenagers wanted to raft down the river on the innertunbes (more like Jesse's idea) Jose ended up driving me, jesse and the 3 teens up a mile and a half and we floated down, half way down it started pouring rain like crazy, thank goodness it was warm out. We laughed, the kids loved it. We got back to the camp and decided with the rain we would go have dinner at McNelly's (famous for their 60 oz Porterhouse Steak) We had such a blast with good friends. While at the camp there was no Wi-Fi connection. I thought for a second the kids were going to die without their cell phones. I think this was my favorite part of the trip, hee hee hee.

FINALLY CAUGHT UP!!! This past weekend my cousin and her family came from New Mexico. They wanted to go camping, her boys have never been. So we invited my sister in law and her family. Prior to this trip Jesse had been contemplating a big purchase and was stuck as to what to get, but knowing how much we camp and when wrestling season starts how much we travel. HE DID IT!! He bought our family a toy hauler. He is such a hard working man, great father, friend, brother, the love of my life and I'm so glad he didn't talk himself out of doing it. We were able to take it with us on this trip. I was having a bit of an anxiety attack that first morning, I forgot so much stuff (and if  you know how O.C.D. I am, I thought I was going to have a heart attack) My sister in law Glinda was having a hoot watching me be out of my comfort zone (who forgets a knife????) To make a long story short and finally caught up we had the best time ever, we set up two tents by the lake and enjoyed it from 8 in the morning till 7 that night only to leave to have tostadas under the trees. Eileen & Mike have gone back to New Mexico, but I know we will see them soon and are in each others prayers! We are blessed to have family!!!

                                                                   

Proverbs 5:18

                          Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth.

Catch Up

So much has gone on since Resurrection Day.
 Jess and I both hit the Fabulous 40 mark and crazy thing is over half that time him and I have been together, actually next month will be 20 years married... Yup, I know... I'm one lucky lady, married to my best friend and. partner.
We celebrated mothers day, I was awakened by my girls with poppers (yup, i know fireworks?? ... ya just got to know how silly our family is)

 My girls made me home made gifts (always the best) And my granddaughter made me awesome sign.

 My mom came over for an awesome lunch that my hubby, son, son in law and brother in law made and served for us ladies (I didn't even have to wash one dish all day, actually Jesse started Mothers Day a day early and made me ceviche the day before, did I mention how lucky of a lady I am?) My sister and brother in law came along with their kids, it was to bring us the Sea Doo we were going to borrow for the next day, but we made a day of BBQ and fun with them.

We celebrated Jesse's birthday with a family camping trip, David even came ( he hasn't been on a trip with us since before he left to boot camp over 3 years ago yup, I know how time flies. It was such a fun time, Annabel brought her best friend and Cinda brought her mini family and our adopted daughter Myra. 

This was also the first time Isabel was able to join us. We lucked out that I reserved our favorite spot. We set up the volleyball net and the men had a bean bag toss competition and of course David and Steven were upset because they couldn't beat my Hubby... Hahaha the competitiveness with these guys is hilarious. As usual we ate and ate and ate. I'm looking forward to our next trip, the kids are already asking when it's gonna be.
Another exciting note and one proud momma here, is Cinda is going to college and her professor see the potential Cinda has and got her a job at the 24 hour animal hospital. It's such a blessing to know where Cinda was a year ago to whee she is today and doing what she has wanted to do since she was a little girl.
On another exciting note my sister will be here in two week and I am counting down the days.. We have a trip to Legoland and San diego planned. Ohh not to mention the reason she is coming, my brother is getting married. And another great note, we didn't think my brother in law was going to get to come with her (he is Navy) but we find out on Tuesday if he just might be able!  
On another sad note, my mom said she was going back to Florida, it makes me sad but with her job ending in June she is ready for a change and is excited to go back to the church in Jacksonville. I know my mom and if she says she's going, then she is going. I know God will bless her in whatever she seeks (hopefully a Godly Husband, hee hee hee .. yup, i know.. i'm bad)
As for us we are still dealing where God wants us at this time, we haven't stopped seeking him, honestly on a little detour, I was talking to a sister in our fellowship this week and I was honest and told her my heart has hardened towards people, and she said these words to me on my birthday yesterday : 
"I've looked up to you for many reasons, your faith, your righteousness, you telling me a ling time ago don't ever settle for anything but the best for your kids and marriage. Sometimes during my storms your words and advice calmed and helped me get through those dark days" 
Her words that she says I said  helped her...have truly showed me the family of God we serve is so Faithful to put the people and words we need at the right moment.
Have an awesome week!!!  

PROVERBS 17:17
A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day, a day to remember those who have fought for the freedoms most of our county takes for granted. I for one am truly thankful for all the sacrifices done by our soldiers and I can proudly say my Son and first born is one of the soldiers doing just that. Have a blessed day!

Resurrection.....Day

So it's Easter Sunday already and time has flown by this year it seems like. I've been on my usual teeter totter of emotions. I have been dealing a lot with my hubby's physical illness's first he was diagnosed with shingles and stayed home for some days. I knew something was wrong when he said he was in pain. See my hubby is the backbone of our family and has a high tolerance for pain, so when he complains even just a little "momma bear" gets worried. Then he went on to get a bump on his head removed thinking it was a cyst only to find out it was a tumor. There goes a couple more days home and more worrying. We just received word on Thursday when they removed the stitches that it was not malignant!!!  Thank God for all his promises and faithfulness even when we fall short and are wandering.
We decided to start spring off with a family camping trip and invited Jesse's brother's family and my daughter & son in law. It was three days of sun, food, jet skiing, volleyball, food, bean bag game (new awesome game Jess found) and did I mention food??? As usual I overdid it on the sun the first day that I was dying by the second day. I'll never learn (yup, I know... I'm told every summer). Athena got to go on her first ride on the seadoo, she is gonna be our water baby.

After a week of busy work for me and Jesse having a slow week it was another weekend of family. My niece turned one and we headed south for the festivities.

 Leaving early to prepare for our Easter festivities only to get a shocking phone call from family in New Mexico that go to the same fellowship as us. They informed us their pastor answered the call again to pioneer 4 states away. My cousin wa hurt, excited and in shock it was just Announced at their annual conference in El Paso. Even with all the shock he said something that helped resurrect my heart. He said that he learned from him and is sad to see him go "but he is not serving man but GOD" I know that in my heart but in life it's so hard. Its crazy because before all this I have been praying with a friend from work and crazily getting discrenmanship on what God is dealing with her with. Once again God is amazing even when we fall short. I feel like, should I even be praying with you if my heart is hardened at times??? Then we had some people from church over to tell us we needed to do what God wanted us to do...once again easier said than done.. but that night again another confirmation. A guy Jesse prayed for 2 years ago called him out of the blue (not knowing our situation) and asked for prayer and just someone to talk to... Again.. I know we need to do what God wants us to do. You want to trust and get that direction your yearning for.. But I know it's back to the basics and trusting Gods word. We went to church this morning and the children's church put on a cute puppet show. But even during the song service in the beginning of the service God was nudging me on some areas that I'm   struggling with but am being down right prideful and rebellious in (yup, I know my honesty can be a bit much) so during the alter call I told my hubby "we need to go up and get this prayer and direction going, because being in the desert we are gonna die before 40 years.. Hahaha (we both turn 40 next month) But I meant it as the isrealites wandering for 40 years... (yup, I know I'm too much) But I know God heard my prayers and is working... I'm ready for the move!!! Happy Resurrection Day!!!

1 Corinthians 15  

Moreover, brethren, I declare to you the gospel which I preached to you, which also you received and in which you stand, by which also you are saved, if you hold fast that word which I preached to you—unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures