Arrived....not gonna happen

This past month has been a whirlwind. There was a marriage retreat, that we didn't make (but ohh soo needed the time together) Yup, I know we should of made the time. But honestly I don't see how we could of squeezed it in. We had a baby that was coming soon, which ended up being a two week stretch of craziness driving back and forth to the hospital.
Babies arrival was followed by our annual Harvesters Homecoming, in which my hubby got to play the drums for worship on Friday night (what an honor). Poor guy was so nervous he bought new drumsticks especaially for the occasion, they had a rubber grip so they won't go flying out of his hands. Yup, I know putting Jess on blast is not cool, but he doesn't give himself enough credit on how awesome of a drummer he is!!! My man can JAM!!! The harvesters hit the conviction button is so many spots, especially the sermon my pastor preached, "Sons of our Father, where are the Preachers at?" Man talk about conviction. See Jesse is called to preach, he knows, I know it, most of all Gods told us, but we both fight it. Its a fear that overtakes us, that paralyzes us. We are servants, we love to serve, but we don't feel worthy for the "TITLE" of being called pastor and wife, at least I am speaking for myself. I know ME, my shortcomings, the issues (the cross) I carry daily, my mouth, yup, i know... sometimes I don't even know how to hold my tongue.
 But yesterday something amazing happened. See this month is Pastor Appreciation Month and OHHH do I appreciate my pastor. See he is doing God's calling and faithful to that. He isn't perfect doesn't act it, and he showed Jesse that yesterday. We did a show for him and his wife that included testimonies, a puppet show (by the children's church kids), a rap song (written by a brother in the church) a poem, (also from another brother) an incredible slide show, and last but not least a gift (everyone chipped in for a brand new BBQer) followed by a luncheon of his favorite, Mexican food. He had no clue all this was going to happen, so the sermon he was supposed to preach ended up being basically just an alter call. 
OK, back to my story on being called. After the show and food was said and done, pastor came up to Jesse to apologize to him, for thinking something negative about him before he ever came to get saved. 
Rewind a couple of years. I was coming to church alone, taking my kids (this was after Jesse and I walked away from the ministry of 9 years and most of all Jesus). That was a hard discouraging point for me... we had hit rock bottom (or so I thought, little did I know, we were gonna fall even more). Jesse would come occasionally with me, snide remarks that he would never be a disciple in this church, still bitter. But it got to the point where I gave up on coming, again. I threw in the towel, another shortcoming I can't let go of. You know would Jesse have came out sooner had I not quit? Well I guess that all doesn't matter, because it wasn't God's time for him... See we fell even harder into Sin, Bitterness, Hate. But God knew what he was doing and when he was doing it. When we finally both got to the point of no return, God took the reigns and started steering us back. I just thank God my heart never hardened to the point of no return. 
See now had we not gone through that Pastor never would of told Jesse what he thought, but never spoke years ago, then Jesse telling me (and him not knowing what sparked in my heart with it). Just because you have a calling on your life doesn't mean you have "Arrived" and you don't have shortcomings, but it does show you are obedient to the things of God. Thank you Pastor,  for showing me that, its time to saddle up, because this ride is just beginning and God has the map. I need to stop listening to myself, and really trust God for what he has promised us, because like Jesus said "it is finished". I just need to start.

 Romans 1:5

 Through Him we have received 
grace and apostleship 
for obedience to the faith 
among all nations 
for His name

Faith is what helped me through this.................

Well it has been quite a month. First off.. I am a grandma, YUP, I KNOW, finally….It all began on October 8^th I was at work and I get a startling phone call from my daughter freaking out that she thinks her water broke. Of course I was right out the door. We headed to the hospital and of course it wasn’t her water, we joked and said she pee’d her pants. That’s the way we joke around at home with each other, Yup, I know. Feeling the love. We all decided to make a big dinner and enjoy each other’s company, because Jacinda knew this was it. Around 9 pm she started having unbearable contractions, but I was determined not to take her in till she was screaming bloody murder. By 1 in the morning the contractions were around 5 minutes apart. I know when I had my kids I was a screaming psycho exorcist. So that was what I was expecting from her, (after all she is my hypochondriac of a daughter)  Yup, I know…not cool…but ohhh so true. After hours of labor, water breaking, fever, heart rates off the charts (mind you she still isn’t screaming) Athena was finally born on Thursday. A day we all anticipated. A love I never expected to feel ever in my life, but would never trade it for anything. During the first 8 hours of labor, I received an unexpected phone call that my grandfather had passed, Yup, I know, one life leaving and another entering this world. I had sooo many mixed emotions, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. But I did know that the most important people in my life were there to share it all with me. It was as time of learning how to deal pain, joy, loss, excitement all at the same time. I know God was in the middle of all this. It strengthened relationships that I was uncertain of, but God being God came out faithful as usual. Lots of praying filled that hospital floor.

Knowing Jacinda was hungry Jesse and I went to get her some food before we headed home to shower, yup, two days no shower. YUCK!!! On the way back we stopped to get Jacinda some flowers, as Jesse’s phone rang, he walked outside and I could see him through the window.. The face of brokenness, a heart that just got pulled out of his chest is all I seen. He told me the Drs were doing tests on the baby and they were putting her in the NICU. We prayed all the way back to the hospital. We text my son in Japan, and he said the stupid tests (that’s all they are stupid) and reminded us she would be fine. Unfortunately the tests came back positive and they were going to keep
Athena for 7 days. To see my daughters and Stevens face, you could see the helplessness in their hearts, even now it brings tears to my eyes, knowing there was nothing I could do but pray and believe the Faith I preach about, is something I have to believe. But when you’re in the middle of the storm, do you really believe, that’s hard. I’m just being real. I prayed, God what did I do wrong, is this the sin of the parents coming down, (mine & jesse’s sins) coming back on our granddaughter; tell me what to do to make it all better, don’t let my daughter hurt.

 I thank God I grew a sister/friend in this time, someone I never expected to open up to was Stevens mom. It helped me, praying for each other and encouraging each other during this time. It was an amazing miracle.

Well 7 days have passed and we were at the NICU with bells on to pick up our princess. Well she is home and doing well. Thank you everyone for the prayers!!! The wonderful fulfilling richness has begun. 

Hebrews 11:1

 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Dissapointments??

Life’s everyday challenges can be just that a challenge. It’s so full of a variety of different emotions, such as joy, love, dedication, hurt, pain, & disappointments. There are so many more that I didn’t list, but am going to reflect on disappointments.

When I found out Jacinda was going to be a mother I know I sure felt that, disappointed is an understatement. And around that time a song that was playing non stop on the radio was Worn, by Tenth Ave North. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

I know it sounds like a heavy reavy and trust me it is. I thought my heart was in my throat every time it came on. My husband would call me and say it was on again (because being partners, we feel everything together) but I didn’t let it get me, meaning let the words break him. LOL.

Looking back now, disappointments will always be there. We are human, our kids our human, our co-workers are human, there will be let downs. Even when you think that you have one out of three kids that isn’t going to let you down or disappoint you, God reminds you once again, Hey they are just like you!! Born into sin and can be a disappointment. We disappoint God all the time, with our foolish daily failures. But I know the awesome NEWS is God isn’t a disappointment, he wont let us down. Even when we feel like he is no where to be found, he is there. Like the footprints poem. A lot of times there isn’t a set of footprints next to me its more like a drag.. Yup, I know.. Jesus dragging me through the next trial. The best part is I know he has broken my mold (the mold I created with my worldly decisions) and putting all the pieces back together how he intended them to be.

I had another wonderful breakdown (I am not a crier, I always was lead to believe it is pure weakness and you don’t let anyone see you weak) Well last Wednesday I had an ultimate breakdown wasn’t responding to my husbands calls or texts (WHAT?? Yup, I know, not a good Christian wife testimony, but I am human). Came home from work, made up my mind I wasn’t going to church that night, and laid on the couch and cried. (Yup, I know... this year has brought on so many tears, do I even have any left?) About ½ hour into my sobbing marathon, the front door opened to my wonderful best friend holding a bouquet of flowers, Yup, I know, Jesse is the BEST!! All he did was hug me, and at that moment that’s all I needed to make things better. He said I am not going to preach to you about going to church, or not to cry because you’re over exaggerating, but I am just going to hold you. At that moment, I made a decision to go to service that night with an open heart and ears to hear what God was trying to tell me. And sure enough he met me that night…as he always faithfully does. There is never a disappointment with God only Man.  He never ceases to amaze me on how wonderful he is, he knows me better than I know myself, Yup, I know…..that is ridiculously scary.

After a wonderful week of disappointments he again showed me he is working behind the scenes with my prayers that I give him. My daughter that was so adamant about no one being in the delivery room with her during labor except for Steven, last night she came and laid on my bed while I was reading. I knew she wanted to say something she had that quiet scared look on her face. I asked her if everything was okay. She only said “Mom I really want you in the room when Athena is being delivered”, JOY, LOVE, DEDICATION, all the emotions came rolling in, most of all SHOCK.. I responded “I thought you didn’t want anyone in there” She said, “ I need my Mommy”. You have no idea, how my heart felt so warm hugging her at that moment. I love the relationship that God is restoring with my daughter. I need Jesus, just like my kids need me. Soon Cinda will have that with Athena.

 I don’t feel Worn anymore; I feel the true redemption that only Jesus can give. Have an awesome day!!

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

Motherly Instinct

When does a woman get her mother’s instinct? My daughter will be a mommy within the next month and last Friday, I got a first glimpse of it come out.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. We went to San Diego, for a mini vacation. Met up with old friends that were pasturing in Portland, Or and now back in Southern Cal.

  

 Did so much sight seeing and walking. Wonderful family time. Getting the feel of the semi-empty-nest. Annabel was our only kid with us. It was a much needed time away, because I knew the busyness of work, ministry, & life in general we were coming back to. It gave me time to sit and think about WOW, how time has passed. My babies aren’t babies anymore. Where has the time gone, when did we grow up or shall I say grow old. Don’t get me wrong, Jesse and I feel it every morning when we cant get out of bed. But seriously, when did my kids grow up?

Coming back woke up some old feelings and failures, its funny how the devil will take any little issue and make it into a black hole; and if your not careful you won’t be able to pull yourself out of it. My husband and I try so hard to guide our girls with Godly wisdom. But we know, (just like our parents told us) they will eventually make their own decisions. I know the scripture “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he grows old, he will not depart” I honestly believe that in my heart. I have too hold on to that. The world tries to suck our kids up and spit them out only for God to mend the broken pieces (and that’s if they let him) and if were not careful as parents we can be part of the spitting out. I know my failures as a mother and friend that I sometimes don’t think before I speak (yup, I Know….I really mean, I shoot before I aim) I have honestly come along way from that and I find myself holding my tongue more than my flesh wants me too. But the issues with my kids this last week, have made me reevaluate what kind of mother I really am, and what kind of mother God wants me to be?

My mom and I had this talk the other night and she knows the pain only a mother can feel, but the reassurance she gave me on her own failures as a mother, and reminding me the difference is now I have Jesus to help guide ME with wisdom for my children, something she now admits and regrets she never gave me or had.

As the center of the storm (hurricane, in my opinion, Yup, I Know… I over exaggerate) came to its hardest part yesterday morning. And right in the middle my mom calls me; I will remind you she had no idea of the whole situation that was going down. But the wise words that came out of her mouth were “The devil is trying to take you and Jesse out, starting with your kids, don’t let him, don’t let go of the word, you guys have to much to loose” from a mother who didn’t raise me to be modest (if you got it flaunt it, kinda mom)  or deep in the word of God. To a mother who just got radically Holy Ghost save last year (something I never thought I would see, Yup, I know.. not trusting God) and is giving me Godly advice at the perfect moment I need it, showed me that a motherly instinct does come early when you have kids, but a Godly Instinct comes straight from getting deep into prayer and the word. Which is better?? I love having my motherly instinct, but that is mere flesh, I would rather have a Godly instinct, that is going to give me wisdom to speak words that bring purity and growth to my children. I know, we have to let go as parents, God did that with Jesus. But, Jesus is always there for his children (us) as we are with our kids, even when they mess up. I thank God every day for my salvation and life with him, I just leave my kids in his hands because those are the best hands they will ever be in, Yup, I know.. even better than mine. 

Luke 2:40
And the Child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him.

A Blessed Life

What an overwhelming weekend. First off it started on Thursday setting up for my daughters baby shower. It was just as I imagined it, all jungle themed. Down to the raffia skirt wrapped tables to the painted clay pots that had animals inserted in them. Friday continued with the baking, me being the OCD, control freak, I had to make everything from the cones filled with peanuts (yup, I know…peanuts??? Jungle theme remember) to the chocolate covered Oreos or chocolate dipped rice krispie treats. Let’s not forget the jungle themed cupcake tower. Yeah, Jesse told me I over did it all…but the look and the hug I got from Jacinda, because she absolutely loved everything (she is not an easy one to please, my picky child) was worth every hour put into this, did I forget to mention this is my first grandbaby??

Well the morning of the shower I was running around like crazy still trying to put last minute things together and buy the ice cream (ohhh yeah banana split bar too)… But as usual my P.I.C. (partner in crime) my wonderful husband Jesse was there to save the day and be at my beckon call. As the guests arrived I thought for sure my right hand man would be leaving since it was for women only, but him knowing me, stayed (yup, I know…I am one lucky lady) and thank goodness because I did still need his help. Jacinda was overwhelmed with blessings galore, or shall I say Athena was. As the shower was coming to an end Annabel made her sister a surprise slide show of them growing up, of course I had to stand out of the room otherwise I would have been a pool full of tears.. Jesse wasn’t as wise… he ended up having to put his sunglasses on in the church to hide his eyes. He’s such a teddy bear.

Sunday we had service and Steven & Jacinda went before the congregation to thank everyone for everything, especially the prayers and guidance. Now that brought the pool of tears.

As the long weekend came to an end, Jesse made breakfast for us girls and as he was cooking, I was in the kitchen talking to him.. we were saying how we never thought this year would be a year of new beginnings… like starting childrens church, doing Park Outreaches or Door Scenes, WAIT.. becoming grandparents. So much in sooo little time. God is great and faithful with all.

 We ended up at my dads for a Labor Day BBQ and swim in the pool

I can honestly say, everything may not be perfect in my world all of the time but I am gonna be a grandma, am married to my best friend, have 3 awesome kids, have the best pastor & his wife, and church I go to, I must say,  Yup, I know… I AM BLESSED!!!!

Romans 15:29

But I know that when I come to you, I shall come in the fullness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ

Changes

So many changes are happening this year. My son is in Fuji, seeing parts of the world I have only dreamed of. My husband is fervently praying about his job situation and thinking about making that step to be his own boss. My baby Annabel is starting high school next week. And finally, I am planning a baby shower for my first grand-baby; if any of you know my OCD on planning I have two notebooks of ideas, lists and plans for this. My poor family has no idea what they got themselves into. Pinterest doesn’t help, because they have even more ideas for me to use. And of course I have to do them all, because of course it is my first grandchild.

When I first found out I was going to be a grandmother I wasn’t having it! I had sooo many emotions going through me (yup, I know.. I am a bowl full of emotions at any given moment). Weeks of crying alone in my prayer room (the shower), being angry at what I did wrong ughhh sooo many times as a mother, the things I did to my parents (is this payback) then coming to the realization, all babies are a gift from God, and I am getting my gift in October. My mom told me that once Athena comes the love I have for her will be even so much more different than I have for my own children. And even now as I type this the tears are falling down because she isn’t here and I already love her so much.

Then I start to think that the holidays are just around the corner and my daughter will be starting her own traditions with her new little family, will we be part of those traditions. I pray we are, actually I know we are. Our family is so strong knit nothing can come between us. It’s funny because our home is so quiet now, it doesn’t seem complete without my son, and soon it is going to be gaining two more people. Steven and Athena will complete our home; the warmth in my heart is full of so much Love. And I know God is in the middle of all this Love because without him I know I couldn’t of made it this far. He has kept me grounded in his Love and with that I am able to overcome any obstacle thrown at me. Have a blessed week.

Psalms 139:14

 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

Letting Go

Wow, it’s been a while since I have even thought about getting on to write. The last couple of weeks have been sleepless, stressed out, bringing on an ulcer, kinda days. I have been preparing for a big federal inspection at work. I’ve had nightmares, knots in my back, easily irritated, mini tantrums and throwing in the towel kinda attitude. All the while my husband, girls and mom have been so supportive. I am blessed to get prayers on a daily basis from them, even when I don’t want them. Yup, I know.. “don’t want them” Yeah.. there is just some things I feel like I can do on my own, all the while knowing God is in control, no matter how hard I prepare, he knows the outcome beforehand. Me knowing this I still let it affect me.

Last night I was throwing a pity party after church, wanting to just crawl under a rock and whine all alone. Then low and behold my youngest yells for her dad…”are you ready to pray for mom” She lays hands on me, not like a pat but “LAYS HANDS ON” as if she if she is gonna be able to pull the Negative Nancy Demon out of me (my new nickname “Negative Nancy” since this whole ordeal began). Her dad all the while just smiling under his mustache. As they were praying I was thinking on the illustration Jesse was talking about while taking the offering during that evenings service. "Having your back." He knows I always have his back, just like Jonathan did with his armor bearer. I am soo thankful, they too have my back. I guess it takes us to take a moment to look around and see who is really there for you. For me, it’s God, my husband, and kids. I need to stop trying to be in control and let go, Yup, I know!

Well its a new week, my inspection is over. It is what it is, no matter the outcome, God is in control.

Galatians 6:9

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.