18 YEARS AGO TODAY

Goodness... where has the time gone? Well let me rewind to 19 years ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant and started having some sharp pains in my abdomen. With already having two kids I knew something wasn't quite right. I waited until Jess got home and he rushed me to the hospital, because I could no longer bare the pain Yup I know, I have no tolerance for pain at all, but this was excruciating. They did an ultra sound and sent me home and said to go see my OBGYN first thing in the morning. All night with cold sweats, little did I know I was hemorrhaging internally. As soon as we walked into the Drs office the nurse told Jesse to take me straight to the hospital for an emergency surgery. When I woke I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured my fallopian tubes. The damage was so bad they had to remove an ovary and fallopian tube. Only being 22 years old and not really understanding any of this, the only thing that stood out as the doctor was speaking was it was going to be hard if even possible to have any more children. I was devastated. If any of you know me, I'm not a kid person, but I love my children and I know Jesse wanted a big family.

Being the lucky woman I am and having a loving husband he encouraged me and told me everything would be okay (like he always does, no matter how big or small the situation).

Three months later I was surprised by a missed menstrual cycle. At this time in our life we were out of control with partying (yup I know too honest) But after I had the surgery I was hopeless and hurting. I blamed myself for what happened, still do sometimes. When I found out I was pregnant for sure, I quit everything. I was going to make this the best pregnancy experience I would ever have.

4 months into the pregnancy, Jess still didn't want to stop everything he was involved in, so in the middle of the night I packed my bags, two kids (4 and 2 years old) in tow, and had my sister come big me up. With no car, no place to go, and a phone call in the morning that Jess had gotten into  a car accident and had been arrested with a DUI, I had to grow up and seriously start thinking about what I wanted for my kids.

With the help of my mom and sister, I was able to get a cute little dupelx (Jess had no idea where I was living), started college and got a job at the DA's office as a Victims Advocate. Things started to really fall into place, but something was missing. My family.. my husband.

3 months later one day the kids I were walking down the street and happened to run into a family that 2 years prior had invited us to church. But at the time they did, we just were not into that, we were so into ourselves. I asked them if they still went and they did, I then asked them if  I could go with them. They were just as excited as I was. That same day, Jess some how found out where the kids and I were staying. He said he wanted to see the kids, but still had no intentions of changing his lifestyle. I told him if he wanted to see the kids he needed to go to church the next day with me. And guess what he did. That morning God spoke to him, and changed him, I'm not saying he became the perfect husband or dad, or is now. But he was touched and I thank God everyday for that. I know had I not gotten pregnant with my miracle baby girl, we never would of given our lives to Christ nor be together and that's for sure.

See Annabel was my baby girl that was born 18 years ago today. I knew from conception she was special. See remember earlier when I said I had no tolerance for pain, when I went into labor I was uncomfortable but there was no pain. Jesus Lover of my Soul was sung by Jesse to me during every contraction. She came out to be my happiest baby. Everyone loved her. And today she has grown up to be a beautiful, responsible, young woman. If it wasn't for her I don't know where any of us would be honestly.

I just want to wish her a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

& THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU

3 A's

So last month I started seeing a Dr for some things that have been boggling me.... Its not an easy subject to talk about without tears coming to my eyes... but I'm dealing with some crazy anxiety..... That's the first "A" Its like a crazy fear that overcomes me, I cant sleep.. my mind wanders, am I going crazy, I just want to run away...... then the 2nd "A" comes along with that ... Anger..... I get mad at the littlest things, start the blame game with my other half.. while all the while he is waiting for me to get better, but I feel like I'm in this ditch that I cant climb out of, like the mud slide comes pouring down as I begin to ascend up. The Dr. gave me a prescription and that was the first thing I said to myself before I went to see her was I wasn't going to do anything they prescribed (I still have the prescription on my dresser mirror) Yup, I know stubborn... She's a licensed Dr, she wouldn't give me anything that would be bad for me.. but do I want to become addicted to another crazy thing in my life, I am prone to my addictive personality.. its either Go all the Way ... or Don't Go at All.... or at least that's what my hubby says i'm like.. there is no Gray area with me.. and that can be awfully scary. Well during this whole ordeal... I started my silent prayer to God... (he was like "hey its been awhile") I need to find a better Dr... and I know that God can bring me through this... and that's where the 3rd and final "A" comes.. ACCEPTANCE.... I have to accept HIM... and know he is going to get me through this.. no Dr. in the world can cure the pain in my heart (self inflicted at times... yup i know a heavy reavy....) but its time I come back to writing and come back to where HE wants me. 

1 Timothy 1:15

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.