Dissapointments??

Life’s everyday challenges can be just that a challenge. It’s so full of a variety of different emotions, such as joy, love, dedication, hurt, pain, & disappointments. There are so many more that I didn’t list, but am going to reflect on disappointments.

When I found out Jacinda was going to be a mother I know I sure felt that, disappointed is an understatement. And around that time a song that was playing non stop on the radio was Worn, by Tenth Ave North. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

I know it sounds like a heavy reavy and trust me it is. I thought my heart was in my throat every time it came on. My husband would call me and say it was on again (because being partners, we feel everything together) but I didn’t let it get me, meaning let the words break him. LOL.

Looking back now, disappointments will always be there. We are human, our kids our human, our co-workers are human, there will be let downs. Even when you think that you have one out of three kids that isn’t going to let you down or disappoint you, God reminds you once again, Hey they are just like you!! Born into sin and can be a disappointment. We disappoint God all the time, with our foolish daily failures. But I know the awesome NEWS is God isn’t a disappointment, he wont let us down. Even when we feel like he is no where to be found, he is there. Like the footprints poem. A lot of times there isn’t a set of footprints next to me its more like a drag.. Yup, I know.. Jesus dragging me through the next trial. The best part is I know he has broken my mold (the mold I created with my worldly decisions) and putting all the pieces back together how he intended them to be.

I had another wonderful breakdown (I am not a crier, I always was lead to believe it is pure weakness and you don’t let anyone see you weak) Well last Wednesday I had an ultimate breakdown wasn’t responding to my husbands calls or texts (WHAT?? Yup, I know, not a good Christian wife testimony, but I am human). Came home from work, made up my mind I wasn’t going to church that night, and laid on the couch and cried. (Yup, I know... this year has brought on so many tears, do I even have any left?) About ½ hour into my sobbing marathon, the front door opened to my wonderful best friend holding a bouquet of flowers, Yup, I know, Jesse is the BEST!! All he did was hug me, and at that moment that’s all I needed to make things better. He said I am not going to preach to you about going to church, or not to cry because you’re over exaggerating, but I am just going to hold you. At that moment, I made a decision to go to service that night with an open heart and ears to hear what God was trying to tell me. And sure enough he met me that night…as he always faithfully does. There is never a disappointment with God only Man.  He never ceases to amaze me on how wonderful he is, he knows me better than I know myself, Yup, I know…..that is ridiculously scary.

After a wonderful week of disappointments he again showed me he is working behind the scenes with my prayers that I give him. My daughter that was so adamant about no one being in the delivery room with her during labor except for Steven, last night she came and laid on my bed while I was reading. I knew she wanted to say something she had that quiet scared look on her face. I asked her if everything was okay. She only said “Mom I really want you in the room when Athena is being delivered”, JOY, LOVE, DEDICATION, all the emotions came rolling in, most of all SHOCK.. I responded “I thought you didn’t want anyone in there” She said, “ I need my Mommy”. You have no idea, how my heart felt so warm hugging her at that moment. I love the relationship that God is restoring with my daughter. I need Jesus, just like my kids need me. Soon Cinda will have that with Athena.

 I don’t feel Worn anymore; I feel the true redemption that only Jesus can give. Have an awesome day!!

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

Motherly Instinct

When does a woman get her mother’s instinct? My daughter will be a mommy within the next month and last Friday, I got a first glimpse of it come out.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. We went to San Diego, for a mini vacation. Met up with old friends that were pasturing in Portland, Or and now back in Southern Cal.

  

 Did so much sight seeing and walking. Wonderful family time. Getting the feel of the semi-empty-nest. Annabel was our only kid with us. It was a much needed time away, because I knew the busyness of work, ministry, & life in general we were coming back to. It gave me time to sit and think about WOW, how time has passed. My babies aren’t babies anymore. Where has the time gone, when did we grow up or shall I say grow old. Don’t get me wrong, Jesse and I feel it every morning when we cant get out of bed. But seriously, when did my kids grow up?

Coming back woke up some old feelings and failures, its funny how the devil will take any little issue and make it into a black hole; and if your not careful you won’t be able to pull yourself out of it. My husband and I try so hard to guide our girls with Godly wisdom. But we know, (just like our parents told us) they will eventually make their own decisions. I know the scripture “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he grows old, he will not depart” I honestly believe that in my heart. I have too hold on to that. The world tries to suck our kids up and spit them out only for God to mend the broken pieces (and that’s if they let him) and if were not careful as parents we can be part of the spitting out. I know my failures as a mother and friend that I sometimes don’t think before I speak (yup, I Know….I really mean, I shoot before I aim) I have honestly come along way from that and I find myself holding my tongue more than my flesh wants me too. But the issues with my kids this last week, have made me reevaluate what kind of mother I really am, and what kind of mother God wants me to be?

My mom and I had this talk the other night and she knows the pain only a mother can feel, but the reassurance she gave me on her own failures as a mother, and reminding me the difference is now I have Jesus to help guide ME with wisdom for my children, something she now admits and regrets she never gave me or had.

As the center of the storm (hurricane, in my opinion, Yup, I Know… I over exaggerate) came to its hardest part yesterday morning. And right in the middle my mom calls me; I will remind you she had no idea of the whole situation that was going down. But the wise words that came out of her mouth were “The devil is trying to take you and Jesse out, starting with your kids, don’t let him, don’t let go of the word, you guys have to much to loose” from a mother who didn’t raise me to be modest (if you got it flaunt it, kinda mom)  or deep in the word of God. To a mother who just got radically Holy Ghost save last year (something I never thought I would see, Yup, I know.. not trusting God) and is giving me Godly advice at the perfect moment I need it, showed me that a motherly instinct does come early when you have kids, but a Godly Instinct comes straight from getting deep into prayer and the word. Which is better?? I love having my motherly instinct, but that is mere flesh, I would rather have a Godly instinct, that is going to give me wisdom to speak words that bring purity and growth to my children. I know, we have to let go as parents, God did that with Jesus. But, Jesus is always there for his children (us) as we are with our kids, even when they mess up. I thank God every day for my salvation and life with him, I just leave my kids in his hands because those are the best hands they will ever be in, Yup, I know.. even better than mine. 

Luke 2:40
And the Child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him.

A Blessed Life

What an overwhelming weekend. First off it started on Thursday setting up for my daughters baby shower. It was just as I imagined it, all jungle themed. Down to the raffia skirt wrapped tables to the painted clay pots that had animals inserted in them. Friday continued with the baking, me being the OCD, control freak, I had to make everything from the cones filled with peanuts (yup, I know…peanuts??? Jungle theme remember) to the chocolate covered Oreos or chocolate dipped rice krispie treats. Let’s not forget the jungle themed cupcake tower. Yeah, Jesse told me I over did it all…but the look and the hug I got from Jacinda, because she absolutely loved everything (she is not an easy one to please, my picky child) was worth every hour put into this, did I forget to mention this is my first grandbaby??

Well the morning of the shower I was running around like crazy still trying to put last minute things together and buy the ice cream (ohhh yeah banana split bar too)… But as usual my P.I.C. (partner in crime) my wonderful husband Jesse was there to save the day and be at my beckon call. As the guests arrived I thought for sure my right hand man would be leaving since it was for women only, but him knowing me, stayed (yup, I know…I am one lucky lady) and thank goodness because I did still need his help. Jacinda was overwhelmed with blessings galore, or shall I say Athena was. As the shower was coming to an end Annabel made her sister a surprise slide show of them growing up, of course I had to stand out of the room otherwise I would have been a pool full of tears.. Jesse wasn’t as wise… he ended up having to put his sunglasses on in the church to hide his eyes. He’s such a teddy bear.

Sunday we had service and Steven & Jacinda went before the congregation to thank everyone for everything, especially the prayers and guidance. Now that brought the pool of tears.

As the long weekend came to an end, Jesse made breakfast for us girls and as he was cooking, I was in the kitchen talking to him.. we were saying how we never thought this year would be a year of new beginnings… like starting childrens church, doing Park Outreaches or Door Scenes, WAIT.. becoming grandparents. So much in sooo little time. God is great and faithful with all.

 We ended up at my dads for a Labor Day BBQ and swim in the pool

I can honestly say, everything may not be perfect in my world all of the time but I am gonna be a grandma, am married to my best friend, have 3 awesome kids, have the best pastor & his wife, and church I go to, I must say,  Yup, I know… I AM BLESSED!!!!

Romans 15:29

But I know that when I come to you, I shall come in the fullness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ