Punching Bag

WOW... So the first 15 days of December just flew, and I thought i was going to get caught up in the tornado of the whirlwind I was stuck in. You all know how crazy busy I self inflict myself and why would December be any different. It all began with me telling Jesse, my only wish for December was to get closer to Jesus, (yup, I know.. only asking for a bulls eye on my forehead is better) As soon as I said that I was inflicted with so many trials from that stinking devil. I should of known better. See the devil hears our cries just like Jesus does and is oh he will take full advantage of whatever he can. I totally fell into the devils devices, getting upset to the point of anger not mad (blowing up kind) to things that I have totally no control over. Isn't it just like the devil to do that,  but of course me being punching bag, I allowed it. I would repent, give it to God and wake up to another day of craziness, too busy to read my bible or too busy to pray, (yup I know, my prayer closet is in the shower; and yes I showered every day, but I was still to angry to pray) Jesse would grab me and say lets pray, I would sigh and huff and puff and say go right ahead. Me being the prideful person I  know I am continued through the week letting the devil use me as the punching bag for his pleasure. 
I worked late every day last week (not my norm) I had to help my husband with the black light presentation we were doing with the children's church on Sunday, and plan, cook and prepare for the women's brunch at the church (worried no one would show like last year, where I cried all the way home) & got into a big TIFF of an Argument with my daughter. What was I thinking, about trying to get closer to God? This isn't the time.... WHOA WAIT.. wasn't my last blog just on that ... Jesus Season... I got caught up and forgot what all this was for... Not me that's for sure... and God has to bring me back down to reality to remind me of that...even if it means letting me be a punching bag to the devil. See Pastor preached last night on Sheaple (Sheep & People) Sheep are dumb animals.. you know what US, people (speaking for myself) are dumb animals. Sheep know their Masters voice, and will be afraid of another voice.  We know our MASTERS voice, but sometimes listening to the other muffled voice telling us otherwise as to where to go or do, ya we are that dumb. We should be afraid of that voice and a lot of time we aren't, because of our pride or stubbornness (speaking for myself again). 
Well after the craziness... All the women of our congregation showed up and brought soo many deserts (overflowing that we even had enough, for the meet & greet after service on Sunday) We had 4 visiting families for the Children's Show. My daughter and  I made up with hugs and love. So its not about me, but about what God is trying to do in me as I deal with my "dumbness" 
Well a new week and a new list of things to do, but you know what, that's okay, because if I made it out of the furnace last week, the fire this week (whatever it may be) will be dwindling down. CHRISTMAS is almost here... JESUS SEASON... Be thankful for one thing each day, because its one day closer to JESUS!!!

Jeremiah 12:3

But You, O Lord, know me; You have seen me, And You have tested my heart toward You. Pull them out like sheep for the slaughter, And prepare them for the day of slaughter.

Jesus Season

Well I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving, mine was a bit bitter sweet. As the tears have come & gone my kids are older and starting their families so trying to get everyone together at the same time took some maneuvering. We got to have Jacinda, Steven & Athena I til about 6:00 pm then off to his family they went, they got to say hello/goodbyes to David & Isabel as they were leaving & David was arriving. It's okay (yup, I know not something you hear out of my mouth) but you see Saturday I got all my kids & grandbaby together. We spent the day shopping at the mall, eating at David's favorite place Andreas at Ventura Harbor then Ice Cream at Coastal Cones....

 Finally to get our tree together (last time together as a family my heart tells me, yup, I know, my kids are starting to start their own traditions) & Starbucks for coffee & cocoa. Ohhhh the gifts are already under the tree & I know we got the best one!!!

December is finally among us (finally??? Geesh it's come too soon) it feels like summer just ended; guess the 80 degree weather doesn't help. Anyways... This much needed 4 day weekend feels like it flew. Thanksgiving & Fall decorations are out, back in storage and in with the Christmas decorations.. Not to get me confused, I am not into the whole commercial "buy buy buy" aspect of it but I do love the colors, smells, baking, get together business' of the month. I got soo much planning (yup I know, me plan hahaha) But last night pastor  preached on just that.. a lady that had every detail of her life planned down in 15 minute increments...Low and behold at that moment I get a little nudge from my wonderful daughter (they know me best) and she whispered "glad your not that bad" my response..am I really bad (yup, i know..coming from the lady that did every cute thing for a shower she seen on pinterest) That got me to thinking, what do I want out of this season?? Plan every minute of the month? New recipes to bake? Buy Athena all the cute outfits I've seen? The UGG boots I have been begging Jesse for 2 years for? NO none of that.. I want to see my kids and family serve God.. Isn't that the whole reason for this season? Jesus was born otherwise there would of never been resurrection and without that where would we all be? Its time to think about all the JOY (Jesus, Others, You) of CHRISTmas. Have a blessed, worry free Jesus Season! 

John 12:46

I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in Me should not abide in darkness.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, but why should we only be thankful once a year. I know tonight we will be having a testimony service at church. And just looking back to last years testimony service, I have soooo much more to be thankful for. Last year at this time I was still overcoming a serious state of depression with me thinking my family was incomplete with my son gone. With the grace and mercy of Jesus he showed me different. See David left to Japan and I was in a frame of worry thinking the same thing was going to happen to me again. But God being the awesome God he is, kept me busy with a granddaughter on the way. And it worked. The scenario isn't what any mother would want (yup, i know...who doesn't want a grandchild.. but with an unwed teenage mother, its a little different; but that's my daughters testimony and I will share that later with her permission)See my son is home now for the holidays and we have a new addition to the family. We are complete.
See, I have never been one to cry or show my feelings unless they were fueled with anger and hate. But softness and love I never showed.. because I believed it showed weakness. This weakness I speak of has helped me grow so much this year. I never thought I would have a relationship with my daughters the way I do today. I was just telling my hubby on our way to my favorite place Winco (yup, i know.. who the heck's favorite place is a grocery store; just one of my little joys in life) that I was so thankful that my daughters trust me enough to open up to me, to trust me with their problems, feelings, heart! Thats a big thing, because last year at this time I was still trying to win their love back. As you might of read in past blog entries, I have alot of failures and being a good mom was one of them. But God has restored the time the locusts have eaten and given me a "prodigal son" type of renewed love with my girls. I am ever so Thankful for that. The chains have been broken and now the love I share with them they will be able to pass on to their children. Jacinda with Athena, I can see the love she has for her now, and I am ever so proud!!! She is the best mommy I could ever imagine.

I manage a property for seniors and disabled people, some of these people don't have family to celebrate the holidays with, so I made a Thanksgiving Feast for them from scratch yesterday (not no pre-made meal you buy from Alberstons). I was running back and forth between both properties I manage to get everything together and as the festivities began, the most unexpected thing took place. The lady that was meanest to me when I first started this job (yup I know they are old but she was just down right mean) I mean the lady asked my why I smiled so much when I started, because working here that smile isn't going to last. Well 2 years later the smile has diminished a bit, but getting back to what blew me away. Each and every one of them (we had a full house, another thing that has never taken place) stood up and said what they were thankful for. Some were so minimum, just thankful for their health to make it to the meal. Last but not least the mean lady, said " I saved the best for last, we are thankful for our manager" I was speechless. So not like them. But once again God is on the throne, he blessed me with this job, because he knew I needed to be able to get along with all types of attitudes and personalities, especially with Jesse being called to preach. 
Finally I am just so Thankful for my husband, he is my second stepping stone (Jesus is my first) these two rocks, help me get through everything. I am just glad our friendship has blossomed this year, like when we were best friends back in 1992 (yup, i know...i'm aging myself; but see I am thankful for that too, because it has given me a couple of notches of wisdom).
Well I hope everyone will have a blessed Thanksgiving!!

Psalms 95:2

 Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

Wasted Time

Its been awhile agian since I've written and Annabel & Jesse always remind me that I haven't. My excuse..ohh I'm pondering what God is inspiring me to write.. but in reality its pure laziness (yup, I know..too honest)... So much for wasting time. 
On Sunday Morning, my hubby preached on Wasted Time... how there are seasons for everything. I know I get in my funks where I don't want to pray (yup, i know.. too honest again) or pick up my bible, or try to finish one of the 3 books I am reading at any given time. There is always one excuse or another. I can blame it on housekeeping, the kids, work, ministry, my I-phone (oooops, did I hit nerve, yup, I know... way tooo honest). But seriously.. it is all just wasting time. I decided last night before bed I was going to get up and pray, cook breakfast, make lunch's, get ready and be to work on time. It all sounded so good in my head. I did make breakfast and lunch's (and no it wasn't captain crunch & a $5 bill to grab something later) it was bacon, eggs and a turkey sandwich for lunch, But my prayer time... the thing that should of been more important than the food for my tummy... the food for my soul.. consisted of "God help me through the day" that's it.. YUP, I KNOW...what is that.. wasted time!! Instead of worrying about getting my make up on.. or making sure food is done (i know hubby needs his food).. I should of been worrying about getting closer to God. Its that season we are embarking on that is supposed to be a joyous time.. but the busyness of life overtakes us.. Shopping, parties, hosting.. yeah I do that all.. and instead of seeking HIM.. that he is going to give me the strength to do it all, I waste time on foolish things..even on a simple text to say "I miss you to my hubby" on his way to work. 
Its a time for all of us to start taking our relationship with God seriously.. or is that just me.. I feel that sometimes.. that I will never be good enough. But I can say that I am going to seek him for help on my wasted time.. Time for the nitty gritty of getting closer to MY GOD.. he is the reason for this season.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven

Arrived....not gonna happen

This past month has been a whirlwind. There was a marriage retreat, that we didn't make (but ohh soo needed the time together) Yup, I know we should of made the time. But honestly I don't see how we could of squeezed it in. We had a baby that was coming soon, which ended up being a two week stretch of craziness driving back and forth to the hospital.
Babies arrival was followed by our annual Harvesters Homecoming, in which my hubby got to play the drums for worship on Friday night (what an honor). Poor guy was so nervous he bought new drumsticks especaially for the occasion, they had a rubber grip so they won't go flying out of his hands. Yup, I know putting Jess on blast is not cool, but he doesn't give himself enough credit on how awesome of a drummer he is!!! My man can JAM!!! The harvesters hit the conviction button is so many spots, especially the sermon my pastor preached, "Sons of our Father, where are the Preachers at?" Man talk about conviction. See Jesse is called to preach, he knows, I know it, most of all Gods told us, but we both fight it. Its a fear that overtakes us, that paralyzes us. We are servants, we love to serve, but we don't feel worthy for the "TITLE" of being called pastor and wife, at least I am speaking for myself. I know ME, my shortcomings, the issues (the cross) I carry daily, my mouth, yup, i know... sometimes I don't even know how to hold my tongue.
 But yesterday something amazing happened. See this month is Pastor Appreciation Month and OHHH do I appreciate my pastor. See he is doing God's calling and faithful to that. He isn't perfect doesn't act it, and he showed Jesse that yesterday. We did a show for him and his wife that included testimonies, a puppet show (by the children's church kids), a rap song (written by a brother in the church) a poem, (also from another brother) an incredible slide show, and last but not least a gift (everyone chipped in for a brand new BBQer) followed by a luncheon of his favorite, Mexican food. He had no clue all this was going to happen, so the sermon he was supposed to preach ended up being basically just an alter call. 
OK, back to my story on being called. After the show and food was said and done, pastor came up to Jesse to apologize to him, for thinking something negative about him before he ever came to get saved. 
Rewind a couple of years. I was coming to church alone, taking my kids (this was after Jesse and I walked away from the ministry of 9 years and most of all Jesus). That was a hard discouraging point for me... we had hit rock bottom (or so I thought, little did I know, we were gonna fall even more). Jesse would come occasionally with me, snide remarks that he would never be a disciple in this church, still bitter. But it got to the point where I gave up on coming, again. I threw in the towel, another shortcoming I can't let go of. You know would Jesse have came out sooner had I not quit? Well I guess that all doesn't matter, because it wasn't God's time for him... See we fell even harder into Sin, Bitterness, Hate. But God knew what he was doing and when he was doing it. When we finally both got to the point of no return, God took the reigns and started steering us back. I just thank God my heart never hardened to the point of no return. 
See now had we not gone through that Pastor never would of told Jesse what he thought, but never spoke years ago, then Jesse telling me (and him not knowing what sparked in my heart with it). Just because you have a calling on your life doesn't mean you have "Arrived" and you don't have shortcomings, but it does show you are obedient to the things of God. Thank you Pastor,  for showing me that, its time to saddle up, because this ride is just beginning and God has the map. I need to stop listening to myself, and really trust God for what he has promised us, because like Jesus said "it is finished". I just need to start.

 Romans 1:5

 Through Him we have received 
grace and apostleship 
for obedience to the faith 
among all nations 
for His name

Faith is what helped me through this.................

Well it has been quite a month. First off.. I am a grandma, YUP, I KNOW, finally….It all began on October 8^th I was at work and I get a startling phone call from my daughter freaking out that she thinks her water broke. Of course I was right out the door. We headed to the hospital and of course it wasn’t her water, we joked and said she pee’d her pants. That’s the way we joke around at home with each other, Yup, I know. Feeling the love. We all decided to make a big dinner and enjoy each other’s company, because Jacinda knew this was it. Around 9 pm she started having unbearable contractions, but I was determined not to take her in till she was screaming bloody murder. By 1 in the morning the contractions were around 5 minutes apart. I know when I had my kids I was a screaming psycho exorcist. So that was what I was expecting from her, (after all she is my hypochondriac of a daughter)  Yup, I know…not cool…but ohhh so true. After hours of labor, water breaking, fever, heart rates off the charts (mind you she still isn’t screaming) Athena was finally born on Thursday. A day we all anticipated. A love I never expected to feel ever in my life, but would never trade it for anything. During the first 8 hours of labor, I received an unexpected phone call that my grandfather had passed, Yup, I know, one life leaving and another entering this world. I had sooo many mixed emotions, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. But I did know that the most important people in my life were there to share it all with me. It was as time of learning how to deal pain, joy, loss, excitement all at the same time. I know God was in the middle of all this. It strengthened relationships that I was uncertain of, but God being God came out faithful as usual. Lots of praying filled that hospital floor.

Knowing Jacinda was hungry Jesse and I went to get her some food before we headed home to shower, yup, two days no shower. YUCK!!! On the way back we stopped to get Jacinda some flowers, as Jesse’s phone rang, he walked outside and I could see him through the window.. The face of brokenness, a heart that just got pulled out of his chest is all I seen. He told me the Drs were doing tests on the baby and they were putting her in the NICU. We prayed all the way back to the hospital. We text my son in Japan, and he said the stupid tests (that’s all they are stupid) and reminded us she would be fine. Unfortunately the tests came back positive and they were going to keep
Athena for 7 days. To see my daughters and Stevens face, you could see the helplessness in their hearts, even now it brings tears to my eyes, knowing there was nothing I could do but pray and believe the Faith I preach about, is something I have to believe. But when you’re in the middle of the storm, do you really believe, that’s hard. I’m just being real. I prayed, God what did I do wrong, is this the sin of the parents coming down, (mine & jesse’s sins) coming back on our granddaughter; tell me what to do to make it all better, don’t let my daughter hurt.

 I thank God I grew a sister/friend in this time, someone I never expected to open up to was Stevens mom. It helped me, praying for each other and encouraging each other during this time. It was an amazing miracle.

Well 7 days have passed and we were at the NICU with bells on to pick up our princess. Well she is home and doing well. Thank you everyone for the prayers!!! The wonderful fulfilling richness has begun. 

Hebrews 11:1

 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Dissapointments??

Life’s everyday challenges can be just that a challenge. It’s so full of a variety of different emotions, such as joy, love, dedication, hurt, pain, & disappointments. There are so many more that I didn’t list, but am going to reflect on disappointments.

When I found out Jacinda was going to be a mother I know I sure felt that, disappointed is an understatement. And around that time a song that was playing non stop on the radio was Worn, by Tenth Ave North. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

I know it sounds like a heavy reavy and trust me it is. I thought my heart was in my throat every time it came on. My husband would call me and say it was on again (because being partners, we feel everything together) but I didn’t let it get me, meaning let the words break him. LOL.

Looking back now, disappointments will always be there. We are human, our kids our human, our co-workers are human, there will be let downs. Even when you think that you have one out of three kids that isn’t going to let you down or disappoint you, God reminds you once again, Hey they are just like you!! Born into sin and can be a disappointment. We disappoint God all the time, with our foolish daily failures. But I know the awesome NEWS is God isn’t a disappointment, he wont let us down. Even when we feel like he is no where to be found, he is there. Like the footprints poem. A lot of times there isn’t a set of footprints next to me its more like a drag.. Yup, I know.. Jesus dragging me through the next trial. The best part is I know he has broken my mold (the mold I created with my worldly decisions) and putting all the pieces back together how he intended them to be.

I had another wonderful breakdown (I am not a crier, I always was lead to believe it is pure weakness and you don’t let anyone see you weak) Well last Wednesday I had an ultimate breakdown wasn’t responding to my husbands calls or texts (WHAT?? Yup, I know, not a good Christian wife testimony, but I am human). Came home from work, made up my mind I wasn’t going to church that night, and laid on the couch and cried. (Yup, I know... this year has brought on so many tears, do I even have any left?) About ½ hour into my sobbing marathon, the front door opened to my wonderful best friend holding a bouquet of flowers, Yup, I know, Jesse is the BEST!! All he did was hug me, and at that moment that’s all I needed to make things better. He said I am not going to preach to you about going to church, or not to cry because you’re over exaggerating, but I am just going to hold you. At that moment, I made a decision to go to service that night with an open heart and ears to hear what God was trying to tell me. And sure enough he met me that night…as he always faithfully does. There is never a disappointment with God only Man.  He never ceases to amaze me on how wonderful he is, he knows me better than I know myself, Yup, I know…..that is ridiculously scary.

After a wonderful week of disappointments he again showed me he is working behind the scenes with my prayers that I give him. My daughter that was so adamant about no one being in the delivery room with her during labor except for Steven, last night she came and laid on my bed while I was reading. I knew she wanted to say something she had that quiet scared look on her face. I asked her if everything was okay. She only said “Mom I really want you in the room when Athena is being delivered”, JOY, LOVE, DEDICATION, all the emotions came rolling in, most of all SHOCK.. I responded “I thought you didn’t want anyone in there” She said, “ I need my Mommy”. You have no idea, how my heart felt so warm hugging her at that moment. I love the relationship that God is restoring with my daughter. I need Jesus, just like my kids need me. Soon Cinda will have that with Athena.

 I don’t feel Worn anymore; I feel the true redemption that only Jesus can give. Have an awesome day!!

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

Motherly Instinct

When does a woman get her mother’s instinct? My daughter will be a mommy within the next month and last Friday, I got a first glimpse of it come out.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. We went to San Diego, for a mini vacation. Met up with old friends that were pasturing in Portland, Or and now back in Southern Cal.

  

 Did so much sight seeing and walking. Wonderful family time. Getting the feel of the semi-empty-nest. Annabel was our only kid with us. It was a much needed time away, because I knew the busyness of work, ministry, & life in general we were coming back to. It gave me time to sit and think about WOW, how time has passed. My babies aren’t babies anymore. Where has the time gone, when did we grow up or shall I say grow old. Don’t get me wrong, Jesse and I feel it every morning when we cant get out of bed. But seriously, when did my kids grow up?

Coming back woke up some old feelings and failures, its funny how the devil will take any little issue and make it into a black hole; and if your not careful you won’t be able to pull yourself out of it. My husband and I try so hard to guide our girls with Godly wisdom. But we know, (just like our parents told us) they will eventually make their own decisions. I know the scripture “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he grows old, he will not depart” I honestly believe that in my heart. I have too hold on to that. The world tries to suck our kids up and spit them out only for God to mend the broken pieces (and that’s if they let him) and if were not careful as parents we can be part of the spitting out. I know my failures as a mother and friend that I sometimes don’t think before I speak (yup, I Know….I really mean, I shoot before I aim) I have honestly come along way from that and I find myself holding my tongue more than my flesh wants me too. But the issues with my kids this last week, have made me reevaluate what kind of mother I really am, and what kind of mother God wants me to be?

My mom and I had this talk the other night and she knows the pain only a mother can feel, but the reassurance she gave me on her own failures as a mother, and reminding me the difference is now I have Jesus to help guide ME with wisdom for my children, something she now admits and regrets she never gave me or had.

As the center of the storm (hurricane, in my opinion, Yup, I Know… I over exaggerate) came to its hardest part yesterday morning. And right in the middle my mom calls me; I will remind you she had no idea of the whole situation that was going down. But the wise words that came out of her mouth were “The devil is trying to take you and Jesse out, starting with your kids, don’t let him, don’t let go of the word, you guys have to much to loose” from a mother who didn’t raise me to be modest (if you got it flaunt it, kinda mom)  or deep in the word of God. To a mother who just got radically Holy Ghost save last year (something I never thought I would see, Yup, I know.. not trusting God) and is giving me Godly advice at the perfect moment I need it, showed me that a motherly instinct does come early when you have kids, but a Godly Instinct comes straight from getting deep into prayer and the word. Which is better?? I love having my motherly instinct, but that is mere flesh, I would rather have a Godly instinct, that is going to give me wisdom to speak words that bring purity and growth to my children. I know, we have to let go as parents, God did that with Jesus. But, Jesus is always there for his children (us) as we are with our kids, even when they mess up. I thank God every day for my salvation and life with him, I just leave my kids in his hands because those are the best hands they will ever be in, Yup, I know.. even better than mine. 

Luke 2:40
And the Child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him.

A Blessed Life

What an overwhelming weekend. First off it started on Thursday setting up for my daughters baby shower. It was just as I imagined it, all jungle themed. Down to the raffia skirt wrapped tables to the painted clay pots that had animals inserted in them. Friday continued with the baking, me being the OCD, control freak, I had to make everything from the cones filled with peanuts (yup, I know…peanuts??? Jungle theme remember) to the chocolate covered Oreos or chocolate dipped rice krispie treats. Let’s not forget the jungle themed cupcake tower. Yeah, Jesse told me I over did it all…but the look and the hug I got from Jacinda, because she absolutely loved everything (she is not an easy one to please, my picky child) was worth every hour put into this, did I forget to mention this is my first grandbaby??

Well the morning of the shower I was running around like crazy still trying to put last minute things together and buy the ice cream (ohhh yeah banana split bar too)… But as usual my P.I.C. (partner in crime) my wonderful husband Jesse was there to save the day and be at my beckon call. As the guests arrived I thought for sure my right hand man would be leaving since it was for women only, but him knowing me, stayed (yup, I know…I am one lucky lady) and thank goodness because I did still need his help. Jacinda was overwhelmed with blessings galore, or shall I say Athena was. As the shower was coming to an end Annabel made her sister a surprise slide show of them growing up, of course I had to stand out of the room otherwise I would have been a pool full of tears.. Jesse wasn’t as wise… he ended up having to put his sunglasses on in the church to hide his eyes. He’s such a teddy bear.

Sunday we had service and Steven & Jacinda went before the congregation to thank everyone for everything, especially the prayers and guidance. Now that brought the pool of tears.

As the long weekend came to an end, Jesse made breakfast for us girls and as he was cooking, I was in the kitchen talking to him.. we were saying how we never thought this year would be a year of new beginnings… like starting childrens church, doing Park Outreaches or Door Scenes, WAIT.. becoming grandparents. So much in sooo little time. God is great and faithful with all.

 We ended up at my dads for a Labor Day BBQ and swim in the pool

I can honestly say, everything may not be perfect in my world all of the time but I am gonna be a grandma, am married to my best friend, have 3 awesome kids, have the best pastor & his wife, and church I go to, I must say,  Yup, I know… I AM BLESSED!!!!

Romans 15:29

But I know that when I come to you, I shall come in the fullness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ

Changes

So many changes are happening this year. My son is in Fuji, seeing parts of the world I have only dreamed of. My husband is fervently praying about his job situation and thinking about making that step to be his own boss. My baby Annabel is starting high school next week. And finally, I am planning a baby shower for my first grand-baby; if any of you know my OCD on planning I have two notebooks of ideas, lists and plans for this. My poor family has no idea what they got themselves into. Pinterest doesn’t help, because they have even more ideas for me to use. And of course I have to do them all, because of course it is my first grandchild.

When I first found out I was going to be a grandmother I wasn’t having it! I had sooo many emotions going through me (yup, I know.. I am a bowl full of emotions at any given moment). Weeks of crying alone in my prayer room (the shower), being angry at what I did wrong ughhh sooo many times as a mother, the things I did to my parents (is this payback) then coming to the realization, all babies are a gift from God, and I am getting my gift in October. My mom told me that once Athena comes the love I have for her will be even so much more different than I have for my own children. And even now as I type this the tears are falling down because she isn’t here and I already love her so much.

Then I start to think that the holidays are just around the corner and my daughter will be starting her own traditions with her new little family, will we be part of those traditions. I pray we are, actually I know we are. Our family is so strong knit nothing can come between us. It’s funny because our home is so quiet now, it doesn’t seem complete without my son, and soon it is going to be gaining two more people. Steven and Athena will complete our home; the warmth in my heart is full of so much Love. And I know God is in the middle of all this Love because without him I know I couldn’t of made it this far. He has kept me grounded in his Love and with that I am able to overcome any obstacle thrown at me. Have a blessed week.

Psalms 139:14

 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

Letting Go

Wow, it’s been a while since I have even thought about getting on to write. The last couple of weeks have been sleepless, stressed out, bringing on an ulcer, kinda days. I have been preparing for a big federal inspection at work. I’ve had nightmares, knots in my back, easily irritated, mini tantrums and throwing in the towel kinda attitude. All the while my husband, girls and mom have been so supportive. I am blessed to get prayers on a daily basis from them, even when I don’t want them. Yup, I know.. “don’t want them” Yeah.. there is just some things I feel like I can do on my own, all the while knowing God is in control, no matter how hard I prepare, he knows the outcome beforehand. Me knowing this I still let it affect me.

Last night I was throwing a pity party after church, wanting to just crawl under a rock and whine all alone. Then low and behold my youngest yells for her dad…”are you ready to pray for mom” She lays hands on me, not like a pat but “LAYS HANDS ON” as if she if she is gonna be able to pull the Negative Nancy Demon out of me (my new nickname “Negative Nancy” since this whole ordeal began). Her dad all the while just smiling under his mustache. As they were praying I was thinking on the illustration Jesse was talking about while taking the offering during that evenings service. "Having your back." He knows I always have his back, just like Jonathan did with his armor bearer. I am soo thankful, they too have my back. I guess it takes us to take a moment to look around and see who is really there for you. For me, it’s God, my husband, and kids. I need to stop trying to be in control and let go, Yup, I know!

Well its a new week, my inspection is over. It is what it is, no matter the outcome, God is in control.

Galatians 6:9

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

looking forward from the past.....

Hello my name is Regret, hello my name is defeat….Those are the first words to one of my favorite new songs. Today of all days I have had this overwhelming heaviness on my heart. It seems like lately God has been reminding me of the joy he can fulfill in your life, he has brought back memories from when I first gave my life to him over 15 years ago. The simpleness of everything, asking him for every silly thing (yup, I know, nothing is silly to him) but as you get older it seems silly. I turned down this path of forgetting who I was and seeing what I had become and I hated that person. Trying to talk to my children and guide them, help them not to make the same mistakes I did, but seeing them go down that same destructive path, because it’s different for them. It does bring on heaviness. I know God has something wonderful in store, but when your in the present, living it NOW. You feel alone, and that small voice reminds you constantly of your “what if’s”  Lies, Yup,  I know, straight from the pits of hell. Trying to climb out and have the victory that is already won.

Talking to my son who is serving our country in Japan right now, and him telling me how he regrets being a bad brother to his sisters. My response; you have been redeemed don’t believe the lies from the devil. Its funny how when you’re having a self pity party, and they have their own issues you console them. But don’t take your own advice. Well not today, I’m taking it!! Because I know I am the child of the one True King, I've been saved, changed, I have been set free!!!! Have an awesome day!!

1 John 5:4

 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

Finally.......................... Yup, I know.

So its been months and months of my youngest daughter Annabel telling me that I should start up a blog. My response, Yup, I know....So here is my attempt at it. Its so funny, because anytime my husband and I talk about things that I know I'm wrong about (yeah, its alot more than I would like) or things I should be doing but ain't, my response to him is Yup, I know. He always reminds me about all the crazy stories I have from growing up and even now as an adult and says I should write a book, and the title... Yup, I know. Even now as I am sitting here typing this blog, I text him that I finally started this blog he wanted to make sure I titled it just that. Oh my. Well this will be the first of many entries into my life as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, christian, and soon to be grandma (yup, i know).

 Of course none of this would of ever happened had I not rededicated my life to Jesus. He will be my inspiration point to this Blog, because I know without him I am nothing. It has taken me 38 years of mistake after mistake, yup, I know.... to finally see that. But all that matters now, is that I do!!! Have an awesome day!

Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.